The "I AM" Project
of
Rev Deacon
Ravings of a Mad Man
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The "I AM" Project |
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THE HEALING
OF A HEALER... |
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Here we are
again Lord. Me...as confused as always at this point of standing here
again bare...asking for understanding...for healing of my wounds. Questions all run
deep with sorrow and pain. How have I failed you? I have believed in
you. I have taught about you and shared you with those I have met. I have listened
and followed the words...the pictures...the knowing...and still, I am left here again with
the sorrow and pain of the same questions. No, I do not question you. I know you are All. I felt you in the wilderness. I felt you in the trees...the rocks...the water...the animals. I felt and knew you when I looked into the eyes of ones that thought they were dead. I felt you when I held the child yesterday. I felt you when I shared the healing of my love with others. For it is you that does the healing when it is asked of me. I do not take credit. I only let what is you in the deepest of us to come forth. Is this all that I am supposed to be. A mere puppet...a mere pawn in some chess game I thought I understood, but choose not to play. Oh...whatever I have done to deserve this, I forgive myself. And, I know many that have helped me forgive myself by their forgiveness. So, how about you? Am I to believe that the forgiveness is already given before the need to ask. And yet, I do not feel forgiven. But, maybe I do feel forgiven?... I just do not feel the happiness that should be even within the most simplest of beliefs. I once was near the financial abundance to devote the rest of my time serving you. But, all that I had worked to accomplish was taken from me. I once understood Love...unconditional...divine in its nature...the merging of two spirits into one etheric form...and for a moment in that state, a complete understanding of the spiritual loving parents that you are. But, that disappeared from my life too. And now again, as I was uncloaking myself...growing again...loosening all that I am to reflect itself to another...only, to be dismayed...to feel again the pains...What about the pictures?... To have fled while still in safety...only to receive your pictures...your direction to stay. For what purpose lord? I fought and overcame every condition of my love that appeared. Why am I being forsaken...or is it punishment? Hard to accept as punishment when I do not believe that you punish. So is it karmic action that I have set in motion? But then, the forgiveness and love admitted in my affirmations should have neutralized that a long time past. Tell me my parents, what do I do now? For as a child you taught me from within that life was beautiful. Life was to be lived as someone filled with love. Life was to be filled with Love and Joy and Bliss. I believed that as a child. I believed that even as I saw how people treated each other and felt the sadness. And, my moments away from you have been few and short lived. You allowed the love of a healer. And, even when I did not believe in those abilities within myself, you have allowed the healing of others near me. Then, why can I not heal myself? What am I not learning here? What am I doing to stop the flow? How can I teach, if not by the showing of my life? And, what is there to show? Do you believe one teaches love, beauty, peace of mind, harmony, joy, and abundance when there is none to show? Okay, now that I have posed the questions, faced my speaking of my fears, I let go and let you guide my way. |
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